Constellation of Life

I must say he’s skilsetl is stronger than me - or should I say more inspiring.

The projection and cars, and chips, with long exposure, very interesting.

I guess I deserve it after all, and not to mention my speaking isn’t that good, and been picking details and questions and… not good..

alright, had a day off doing nothing

not feeling good about doing nothing

not gonna do this again

lol

If you really want something, and then it proved to be unreachable, that feeling of fall is huge.

I just don’t know why I always fails at interview.

Eventhough I say it’s okay, but I still feel it kinda hurts.

I still want the connection from their, the people seems very interesting.

Yet, no. I guess I’m still a weirdo at this place.

I don’t know teamwork and my communication skills sucks.

why am i even here.

…

“有一段我在这个世界上的支撑太少了” 现在的我是否也还是这样呢

或许我的爸爸做的并没有错 或许我某个时刻就会萌发出die的念头 这或许是最重要的一点吧

尽管我到现在来也是经常以die来开玩笑 莫名其妙就开始hang myself die了就不用写作业啦

很羡慕她们有很多朋友的人 我一直会有一种 fomo 当我不和我的朋友在一起的时候 我也一直觉得她们好优秀

我也很想向她们看齐 尽管我知道大家的技能树不一样 但是我自己会觉得很伤心很自卑 看到她们能有这么广的交际

其他人或许能有多重的链接 或许还有中学的圈子 网络的朋友 一切一切

我的链接仅限于这里 这个学校 我将何去何从？

我该怎么看齐这个世界？ 我似乎也不适合工作 我似乎很不擅长于交流和合作 说起来 似乎我们学院最重要的一点技能 我是缺失的

前天是最差的一天 昨天是最好的一天 今天又是最差的一晚上呢

我的情感和逻辑体系似乎是分离的 我的情绪就像是工作时播放的白噪声或是轻音乐一样 它总是在的 它总是在背景后 它总是有一些情绪在发生 这些情绪似乎也不完全归属于我的逻辑体系管控 它像是大脑中的一种chemical 一种不需要电传导信号触发的反应

我属于哪里？

They really does know how to talk

They know what they are doing - not intentionally maybe - but they know.

Might be just inherited from parents or built it out during childhood.

What I think:

I wish to have ability to talk fun and engage in conversations like they did.

Why?

I love to hang out with them and they are the most family feeling friends I have here at USC

I believe if I had the ability to talk like they did I will be more liken at this circle

I want to engage in the conversation, not just be a listener.

I feel like I'm lacking behind

They all know different languages

I still do not feel like I worth it.

I still do not feel I belong

I still don't know where I am

I still wish for connections

I have feeling for things.

But my brain is not always processing or know what and why and logic.

It almost feels like some of the scenes trigger my emotional response without needing my brain to process

I have feeling for things that I don't necessarily know how to talk or describe or think.

I just feel.

t's like... I don't feel entirely compatible with anyone...

I have an taste in art, but not enough to understand entirely what the artists are saying

I have a background in tech, but not focus enough to dive deep into a niche conversation 

I feel things deeply, but me is not interesting enough for people

They are good at communications, they have connections all over the campus.

They know how to do certain things at childhood, and that's how and why people get good.

It's hard to learn something new later on.

Tasks in front blinds our eyes

Vast holiday in front distance our dreams

I do more than I say, I think more than I do.

Speech is at the bottom of everything I do. Somehow I never tried to impress nor describe to people what I'm doing. Despite me wishing for approval and attention.

Or is it that I just don't know how to sell myself? What does it even mean to sell myself?

We need to reduce the daydreaming and criticizing ourselves. Why do I still always feel like I'm invaluable and not worth other's time? Why am I still so scared of coffee chats and chatting with person individually? I'm afraid of me not able to handle the 1-to-1 conversations. I'm afraid of me not able to handle group interview with peers. I still do feel so bad when others are having a good time. It's not like that I'm jealous of them, it's like I wish to be there personally to celebrate with them, the FOMO. We don't know how to handle disapproval. We are scared of disapproval.

Peers. That's where my pressure comes from.

We need to build out our confidence. We need confidence. We need to strive. We need to be alive.

I feel sad... it's like I don't wanna be there at USC anymore somehow...

I don't know... the afraid and scared feeling once again went onto my head

I'm still even struggling with deciding whether I should go to LA anime con or not...
always pushing things to the last moment, the last second.

I'm a little tired..
It feels like I've just been on my phone for the past week or so
Learning to drive, lunch, phone checks, sleep...
Infinite Loop it seems.

It's quite draining seeing myself did nothing
But did I? Or just made a random script with whisper for auto transcribing and translations

I don't even want to ask in the group chat if anyone uber with me together on 9th
I guess I'm just going alone then? Perhaps?

Ugh good old introvert is back again

I kinda wish my bubble is infinite big - that way, i can fit the entire world into my bubble and feel good exploring everyday

:(

Digital Native Teens: Growing Up on the 21st Century Internet

Digital native children—21st-century teenagers who grew up with guidance from the internet—developed a far broader perspective than what their local communities could provide them.

Let’s dive into a unique and special subset of teenagers who grew up alongside the wild yet calm, misleading yet knowledgeable world of the internet.

As a child who grew up locked at the center of China— far beyond the ocean line where new information lies— opportunities and modernization here are limited. We won't celebrate Western holidays at all; Eastern holidays just mean having a meal and being filial with our parents and grandparents.

Being far away from technical expertise and technology advancements doesn’t mean being disconnected from the world nor the internet, you may say. Glad you asked: the Great Firewall of China took care of that, blocking most global news and outside information. Local Chinese media often presents a single perspective of the world, and diversity is nearly nonexistent. Despite this, the intranet online communities seemed to satisfy what most people wanted in terms of entertainment and emotional connection.

Yet, despite this challenging landscape within China, the Internet still granted a small group of people the ability to grow beyond what the local community can provide them with. As long as you know what you're looking for, you can find workarounds for the Great Firewall with just a few web searches. Then, we will be able to connect with people from all around the globe, learn from the world's greatest educators, and gain access to the latest information on technology advancements.

Me personally, I learned about the game Minecraft when I was 8. The game at that time was gaining popularity worldwide, but still hard to find communities within China playing it, especially because it requires a fee upfront - which defies the Asian way of doing things free to play, even though this upfront fee can improve the user experience much more, and means less buggy and less advertising within the game. Again, we are isolated.

The Chinese educational system promotes "follow the order" and "work harder, not smarter." However, I personally found myself the opposite of both of these, and struggled to discover my belonging.

The game to me is an escape from the testing world we're in China. Here within Minecraft's realm, we have the freedom to create and build everything we can ever dream of. And apparently it's been proven that Minecraft fosters children's creativity and collaboration skills - both of which are not welcomed in a Chinese institution, which made me even more of an outcast.

Yet, I loved the game. And very soon it pulled me through a portal for international communication and discovery. By the age of 9, I'm already playing and talking with people from around the globe, despite my childish and unnatural English skill, I made friends and built relations with such a digital community. They provided me with insights on what the world outside of our local city looks like, and how culturally different and diverse the human population can be.

Later on, my friends within Minecraft brought me onto Discord and YouTube, now always my go-to choice for entertainment, vastly differs from the platforms like Youku and Bilibili which my classmates, friends, and basically everyone here are using.

This relation and habit of going online onto the internet in search for a full-fledged of perspectives followed me throughout my teenage years. I'm a student with an interest in Computing, but never gained much opportunity to learn within my community - the technology here is falling behind, and my school was still using Windows XP in 2019.

Until, I found that YouTube can be used to watch more than just Minecraft videos - well, that surely is a hard thing to realize, I guess. Each video on computing I've watched presents me with a brand-new perspective of the world and computer itself. They led me to Google and StackOverflow, where I can find more resources and expand on my knowledge.

Soon, I started making my own projects - web servers, ad blockers, chat bots, etc... - something so rare that you'll almost never see in a normal middle school with a test-based education system in China.

I'm an anomaly. That one weird person within a classroom doing fancy stuff that nobody understands. I float away and make hundreds of sketches of ideas during class, because that test explanation never really inspires me.

And of course, I later even redefined the education by connecting the dots and knowledge I've learned from the world's bests by finding critical security vulnerabilities of my own high school's door access system and reporting the bug to school officials. People are, well, more than shocked, I shall say.

Unintentionally, I built my kingdom of self-learning and lifelong learning skills through the Internet. A skill that has been proven very helpful and important to learning and future outcomes.

One time when I was doom scrolling a friend's posts on my phone, I saw a really interesting keyword that I didn’t know - “Does anyone want to go to HSYLC this summer?" I was intrigued, and my online search skill that I've trained throughout the years of learning computing served me the best. That year, I got accepted into HSYLC - one of Harvard's largest events in China, and HWeek - where I got the chance of going to Boston and studying at Harvard for a week.

I finally found similar-minded people and realized my place and where I belong. The last string of decisions was placed on studying abroad in the autumn of grade 11.

Surely, the internet can do awful things and hurt people, but so does everything else. For me, this opportunity of being alive in a digital age might be the best thing that has ever happened to me. I have gained more opportunities and seen a bigger world than what my local bubble can ever provide me with.

Reflecting back on my journey, I appreciate every minute of it.